Ghosting

 Now in the past I’ve discussed toxic friendships. But we have never gotten into ghosting, or being ghosted. 

It’s something that I half understand and half don’t understand. Why a friend will just up and not talk to you anymore without a word or explanation. They just disappear into the night. What do you do with that? 

Do you confront the issue, show up at their door? Do you let it go and move on?

What if you are an over thinker and it keeps you up at night wondering what you did wrong but are paralyzed on how to fix it. No matter how you deal with it ghosting can hurt. More than a first date situation. You have spent so much time and so many months or even years into a friendship only to have it gone with no word. That hurts! I’m not saying it doesn’t. I don’t have all the answers this is just an observation post. I have had a few friendships that ended this way. If that’s what you even want to call it. There is a grieving process. Something important to you ended abruptly. 

They say not all friendships are meant to last. But you can’t help but take it a little personally. 

I’ve been an army wife for 16 years now. I’m used to starting in a new place for a couple of years or less only to move again and say goodbye to those friendships. 

I used to be really hurt when friends wouldn’t stay in touch. But now I feel grateful when I have those 1-2 friends that still stay in contact with me from each duty station. I’ve always cared a lot (maybe too much or too deeply at times). So, I always felt like I wasn’t important enough to that person. That’s a lie! I believe now the real friends are the ones that will push through those army moves and stay true as a friend. 

I know I am probably guilty of this. I will admit I am really good at cutting people out of my life sometimes. You pair that with my loathing of confrontation. It can seem like I don't care. I do care! I'm not sure thats everyones reasoning for ghosting. Sometimes the ball has been in someone else's court and they just missed their turn and I didn't reach out. Regardless of who's "fault" it might be. The reality of it is then too much time has passed and no one wants to be "that"  person to reach out first. No one wants to admit anything. No one wants to have those hard conversations. Unfortunately, the hard conversations are what makes us adults. But who wants to be that right?

If you change your perspective on friendships then it might hurt a little less. There's a season in your life where you have certain friendships. You can grow apart or it can be a toxic situation. All friendships though are something we can learn from. Whether it's a lesson of who we don't want to be. Lessons of what you want out of a friendship. Life lessons that they can teach you from their own experiences.

What's that saying? "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." - Dr Seuss

Real Talk: {Toxic Relationships}

 

 

This year or maybe even a little longer has been the year of self reflection for a lot. We are stuck inside with our thoughts, our feelings. The worst parts or the best parts of ourselves are showing. I've been wanting to address this topic for awhile now. I feel like it's a common topic that people don't really talk about. I've been gathering my thoughts on it. I've been reevaluating past relationships/friendships and current ones.  I'm no stranger to toxic people. I'm sure you aren't either. Sometimes it's so abundantly clear that its toxic and you don't want to, or don't know how to get away from it. Or sometimes it's a sneaky little devil. Something doesn't sit well with you but you ignore it, or you can't put your finger on it. 

It's something that I feel like I have dealt with it a lot in my past. I don't think we are equipped as a young person to develop healthy boundaries. To speak up when we our feelings are hurt, when we are offended etc. Then we just grow into those bad habits. We allow people to cross the boundaries and it ends up being a vicious cycle. I can admit that in some of my own cases I initiated relationships or friendships for some other reasons maybe to put a band-aid on some old hurt. I also can admit I allowed others to overstay their welcome in my life. Because I was glutton for punishment. Or maybe I was trying to prove something to that one person or to myself. I'm not sure. 

I dove into research. Self help books, The bible, Church sermons. I wanted to know what the bible said not necessarily what the world said about distancing yourself from toxic relationships. I thought there had to be a marriage between the two. It can't be so black and white. "Love all people, forgive all people" doesn't mean allowing them to be in your life. It doesn't mean allow them to continue the pain, abuse, control, the manipulation. No matter who they are.  I'm not a big fan on confrontation. But I do believe in addressing things with a person and allowing them the chance to change. If they don't its on them its no longer on your shoulders.

 I've had several relationships that are toxic, or unhealthy. You don't see it in the beginning or even your own true intentions of starting that relationship. If it was started base on the wrong thing it will eventually grow into a toxic relationship. I had to walk away from several. Maybe it wasn't a healthy situation for both sides and someone needed to be the one to pull the plug. It brought out bad feelings on both sides. Friendships/relationships shouldn't leave you feeling like that at the end of the day. They should lift you up, support you, encourage you, be your own cheerleader. They shouldn't criticize you or tear you down under the guise of love or something else. It shouldn't be an unspoken competition to see who is better. It shouldn't be not telling true feelings or confronting an issue for fear of an argument or backlash or some other consequences.

With all that said I've accumulated a lot of different information on toxic relationships/friendships. How to spot them, how to work through them etc.  It's never that easy to just walk away. But your life will be the better for it and maybe even their life.

 

 Harbor Church "Toxic Series"

 

"When Toxic relationships go unchecked it can imprison our future" 

1: Relationships where only one person is in control. {Is my opinion valued? Do I feel like I can never do anything right?}

2: Relationships based on manipulation. {Is this person taking advantage of me?}

3: Relationships based on lies. {Can I trust this person? Or do they have a pattern of deceitfulness?}

4: Relationships where one person always puts their needs first. {They are selfish}

 

"Red Flags" from Top Buzz Blog  

5: "Conditional friendship. We’re friends until I question you in the slightest way, and if I do, the relationship is tanked."

6:"Inability or unwillingness to apologize when they do something wrong. It’s symptomatic of an ego issue that will eventually infect every aspect of your friendship."

7:"Continually feeling like you want to say something but should hold your tongue."

 

What does the bible say ? - Beliefnet.com

When faced with toxic people.

"Ending these types of relationships can be very scary, and the person is likely to erupt in anger. Trust God to help you recognize when a relationship is becoming detrimental to your business, your spirituality, or the health of your family life. Further trust Him to give you the courage to end the relationship, and to give you thick enough skin to take the criticism that you may face for ending the relationship.

God actually warns us of the many different types of toxic people we might encounter in our daily lives.

Some people we are to avoid friendship with include: the violent man (Proverbs 16:29, Proverbs 1:10-12), the wicked man (Proverbs 12:26, Proverbs 4:14-17), the gossip (Proverbs 16:28), the perverse (Proverbs 16:30), those who engage in deeds of darkness (Ephesians 5:11, Proverbs 2:12), the thief (Proverbs 1:10-19), and the adulterous woman (Proverbs 2:16-19). Furthermore, 2 Timothy 3:1-5 tells us we should not be friends with lovers of self, lovers of money, the proud, the abusive, those disobedient to parents, the ungrateful, the heartless, lovers of pleasure, etc.

"We are likely to be faced with a toxic relationship sometime in our lives. This might be someone very close to us, like our own parent, or someone in leadership such as a boss. Whatever you face, understand that these relationships are not a blessing from the Lord. When the devil wants to tear you down, he will send people to do so. Learn that these types of behaviors are not healthy, and do what is necessary to remove yourself from the situation."

 

Psalm 147:3 tells us that God "heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Only God's healing power can truly restore peace to a broken or traumatized heart. As much as we wish that the toxic person would apologize, there are many times where that simply won't happen. Only God will be able to truly heal us where we are broken.  

 

______________________________________________________

 

Quotes from "Unglued" by Lysa Terkeurst

 

“Forgiveness is mandatory; reconciliation is optional.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions

 

"My job isn't to fix this person or make them see my side of things. My job is to obey God by offering an extension of the forgiveness I've been given. But I can also stay healthy in this situation by remembering forgiveness doesn't mean giving this person access in my life that sets me up for destructive patterns." ― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions

 

“Saying “I’m fine” to keep the peace, when we’re really not fine, isn’t honest. It may seem godly in the moment, but it’s false godliness. Truth and godliness always walk hand in hand. The minute we divorce one from the other, we stray from soul integrity and give a foothold to the instability that inevitably leads to coming unglued.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions  

 

“When we have the same thought again, the line of the original thought is deepened, causing what's called a memory trace. With each repetition the trace goes deeper and deeper, forming and embedding a pattern of thought. When an emotion is tied to this thought pattern, the memory trace grows exponentially stronger.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions 

 

“But it is a rare and beautiful thing when we choose to offer love in situations when most people would choose to scorn or ignore.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions 

 

“Friendships are like plowed open fields ready for growth. What we plant is what will grow. If we plant seeds of reassurance, blessing, and love, we reap a great harvest of security. Of course, if we plant seeds of backbiting, questioning, and doubt, we reap a great harvest of insecurity.”
― Lysa TerKeurst, Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions    

Fashion Friday {Rest and Relaxation}

Summer is almost over and with a possible move on the horizon I am already contemplating my fall/winter wardrobe. Each year it seems like the summer season and my summer wardrobe don't last very long. I'm always behind. I can never seem to buy things ahead of time. Right now my brain is still in the spring cleaning mindset. I just want to get rid of so much stuff. That could also be because I didn't finish my summer clean out projects. I have barely even gotten though one book on my summer reading list. Confession it's still the same book list as last summer. 

You might think I am putting too much stuff on my plate. Right? It's summer I should just have no plans and no lists. Just relax and enjoy things. I am trying that out slowly in all areas of my life. 

Social Media: 

I've been not posting as much. That way I don't have to rush to having something every day. 

Which has been my little motto for a couple of years now. While I do love an aesthetically pleasing IG grid. I always felt too much pressure. Felt like I needed to compare to those who do. While there is nothing wrong with that. I wanted to focus on what was best for me. 

I even have in my bio "no rhyme to my reason". Which means you won't find carefully planned color schemes, types of photos etc. You will just find me, my life, and my family. I don't like a lot of rules when it comes to expressing myself through my creativity. 

Blogging (writing), fashion, photography are all my passions. I want the freedom to do that in a no judgement zone. I want to be relatable. That's why I don't apologize for not always buying a ton of brand new, brand name clothes. I'm real and want to be relatable. I'm a frugal, budget conscious army wife. That's a 100% me! Like it, love it or leave it.

With that said I am seeing a lot of people posting these very thoughts. No more of this portraying a perfect, picturesque lifestyle. I was onto something! 

Blogging:

I haven't been planning blog posts in awhile either. I've been working on just organizing my life. I have seen a decrease in my views/comments. That's okay though. This is meant to be outlet. I'm sure the right person will come along and read what I have to say and it might help them, entertain them etc. I know I may not be best writer. I know I'm horrible at grammar. If you are one of those people who edit everything a person says.  You will not find commas in the right place here mr. That's just fine as well. I'm honest about myself. 

Home:

I have been here in Georgia for about three years now. I still haven't gotten it exactly how I wanted it. That's why I haven't shared the decor on here as much as I would've wanted. Now with limited time left here it's almost pointless. I promise to post an as is home decor to show my barely there process. Hope for the best in the next place to really dig in and stop being indecisive about everything. That's the hard part about moving around so much. I want to put a lot into a home but then life happens and before I know it we have to move again. Only 5 years left til retirement though!! 

Career:

I've taken a step back from doing photography as a business. I've done a lot of passion projects. But haven't put a lot of effort or time into it. There are a lot of photographers around here and really hard to compete with. So I decided to put everything into my music. Every extra dollar, every effort, every extra second into working on my craft. Music is my true passion. It's what I want to do for the rest of my life. But I still want to have my hand in all of my passions. My focus is just one thing at a time right now. That might show  in my blog. I've dropped a lot of weekly posts. In fact this is the longest blog I've written in a long time! 

To sum everything up. I've slacked off in some areas. Put too much pressure on myself in some areas. But in the most important areas I have been confident and content. 

I hope that inspires you to take a step back and reevaluate as well as find what you are truly passionate about and pursue it. Not just follow what everyone else is doing.

Happy Friday!

Conversations with an eight year old

Riley: lalala sing a happy song

Mommy to Caleb: She's singing a happy song

Riley: It's from The Smurfs don't judge me.

Brings Caleb to play in her room

Riley to Mommy: You can have peace and quiet now my dear

Mommy: Riley don't sit on your brother.

Riley: ugghhh I sit on him because he's my chair 

{Face swapping on snapchat}

Riley: Can I do an old face?

Mommy: {looks through pictures} I don't have an old face.

Riley: Your face.....

Life just got crazy ....like for real!

This last weekend I had the opportunity to be the official photographer for  Renew Magazine's

Health and Wellness expo in Williamsburg, Virginia. It was such an awesome and positive event with loads of fun vendors, speakers and a fashion show! Which was my favorite of course. I had the chance to get well acquainted with the photographer for Apricot Lane Hampton  who provided the clothes for the fashion show. 

We got introduced and realized we were both named Ashley. Alright, that's easy enough to remember. Then we talked some more about how you never come across "Ashley's" anymore. 

So we decided it would be fun to dive in and find out more about each other. 

Turns out it's A LOT!

We have the same middle name

We are both photographers {Ashley Vanley Photography}

We both love fashion {that's obvious}

We are both born in February {2 weeks and 2 years apart actually! }

She recently moved from Colorado Springs and that's where we were stationed before Boston. 

We are both military wives

Our husbands names are {similar} we were bummed it wasn't the same. 

We are both Christian and are really into Mission work. 

So now we are Twin Besties and we hung out together the entire event and are planning to visit each other as much as possible.

What a crazy thing to happen. That's literally never happen to me ever in my life. 

The two Ashley's 

    Oh and a plus! We got to meet Mrs.Virginia

Been there...Ate That!

I have been getting adventurous in the Kitchen. I really enjoy cooking now!

It's funny because when I was younger and pretty far into my young mama years! I would constantly look in the pantry or fridge and say the most common phrase of the "lazy people"

"There's nothing to eat!"

I would drive my mom up the wall. Fact was there was nothing easy to make or nothing I wanted.

I wasn't really forced to cook growing up. I knew some basics. How to boil water, how to use a microwave ;) etc. You know important things.

I remember a couple times when we were living in Colorado. I had friends over for dinner on two separate occasions. Two separate friends. I think I made something easy that night. Probably things you just pop into an oven. And you know what?! Those friends made fun of me! They were expecting a real meal. I guess we had different views on a "real meal". I laughed it off but I was secretly bummed. No one likes to be made fun of. I kind of felt like a failure as a wife and a mom. Because I couldn't cook.

Another reason I believe Pinterest is sent from God to help some of us girls out with these stressful areas of our lives! Cooking, decorating, wedding planning, etc.

I had had enough and I started cooking. You know the funny thing was! I did know how to cook! Anyone can cook you just follow a recipe. Then after all it just comes naturally.

I even impress the husband on occasion!

Here are a few recipes I've done recently.

Grilled Flank Steak with Tomatoes

Egg Nog French Toast

Caprese Stuffed Turkey Burgers

My heart's desire

I used to be scared of having kids. Was I really made to be a mom? I didn't even see myself as a stay at home mom really. In my somewhat small town, I would dream. I would dream big of being a famous actor/singer or fashion designer. Anything that would take me away from that somewhat small town.

When the idea of being a military wife first came up. I was most certainly not interested. Well, I was scared. The only picture I got of the military life was a non operational, run down George Air Force base. Or way out in the boonies, middle of nowhere Edwards Air Force base. I was scared! Who wouldn't be at the sight  of those places? 

But God had other plans!

I had been working hard on dreaming up my life plans in high school. The idea of being a mom was far from my mind. And the possibility of being a military wife was lost. 

I focused on my life and my dreams this time. I looked into photography schools, performing art schools, Christian schools. 

Not really making a decision. 

Then this boy walked into my life... Like they always do. He changed me, he changed my heart. He was in the Army so close from graduating basic training. Uh- oh a military guy? How did this happen again? I couldn't help it. I fell... I fell hard. We started talking and two months in he deployed to Iraq. 

And I had my first taste of the military life. I stayed faithful and true. I was honest and attentive. We lasted the entire 12 month deployment. { well minus a couple months but that doesn't count} 

I knew what sacrifice meant now, I knew what I wanted now. 

I may have never had the college experience. After all we got married at 19/20. I may have not experienced the normal young adult life. But I have gotten so much more.

After all God knew what he was doing when he brought Evan and I together. When he made me an Army wife to an amazing man. When he made me a mommy to two precious babies. One in heaven and one precious girl who loves to dance, loves footie pajamas, and loves to make us smile. I didn't need to be scared because my life was in Gods hands and he knew what was best for me even when I didn't. He knew the desires of my heart and he followed through on his promise. I know it's only the beginning.

And you know what I still got out of that somewhat small town. I am still avid about my passions. {Fashion, Photography, Music} I still get to pursue them in one way or another. I've had a life full of trials AND blessings. A life full of adventures!

PSALM 37:4

"Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart."

Vintage Circus Birthday Party

This last weekend we had Riley's 5th birthday party! I can't believe she is 5 years old already! She has such a big sassy personality and she's also the sweetest and funniest little

Girl. We love to be around her all the time  because she is so fun! 

I had been planning this theme since her 1st birthday was over. I knew 5 years was a big year and it should be a big party. After all she's a whole hand now. 

I knew when I was getting all the details ready that I wasn't a fan of the normal circus colors. Riley's signature color has always been purple! 

I like to use it in all her birthday parties. 

So of course making it hard on myself to find purple circus things we made our plans. We decided on vintage circus with black, white, purple and gold. 

I made a lot of the decorations, games etc {blog post coming soon} and she loved it. I think it came out really cute! 

Store bought items:

Michaels

Dollar tree 

Oriental trading company

Tj maxx 

PartyCity 

{Christmas with the Reeds}

After a long, mostly exhausting trip to California. We had a few days to recuperate from all that traveling and what not. Just in time to celebrate Christmas quietly at home together. We went to church Christmas Eve then had dinner and watched It's a Wonderful life. Our family tradition. Riley stayed up and watched the entire 3 hour movie! I was surprised.  Even made Christmas cookies as well. Kinda looked like a cookie massacre though!

Christmas Morning just like any other Christmas morning. We get woken up abruptly by Riley barging into our room yelling "It's Christmas"!!
We had fun opening presents and then the cutest hubby in the world made us breakfast. Egg Nog French Toast and bacon! It was so yummy! Then we just laid around all day watching Christmas Movies together. It was very relaxing. Then the hubby topped himself and made dinner for us too. Bacon wrapped tenderloin, mashed potatoes, corn and rolls! Makes me hungry just talking about it again. I hope everyone had a great Christmas! Until New Years!!!