I'm so glad that it's Friday. I'm going to be honest with you guys. This week I have been struggling. I've learned a few things about myself. Number one.. I'm human and I have a lot of human feelings and I do a lot of human type things. Like stress out and doubt myself and feel like I'm not good enough. When you put all those things together with lack of sleep {thank you Caleb} you get stuck in those feelings. You find yourself locked in the bathroom crying because it's just too much. You might wonder why I'm telling the world this. Because I feel like it might help other people and moms especially that are out there who are like me. Whether you are a mom or not here are some thoughts.
There is such a thing is putting too much pressure on ourselves. More so now than ever because with social media everyone is watching our every move. Whether our house is clean, our kids are happy, if they have too much sugar, if we worked out at all that day or that week. I am finding myself paralyzed from making a decision because I have to manage everything all day long. Why do we have to feel like we have to do any of it? I wish there was a better way of juggling it all. Time was never my friend. A constant reminder that your babies are only babies for so long. So if you blink or sleep they will become teenagers and leave and you will have missed it all. So you deny yourself a break. The tiniest amount of time to yourself because you don't want to miss their lives. But you are also aging and you don't want to miss out on your dreams as well. After all you are still a woman and a person outside of being a mom. Rock and a hard place my friend. I hate time!
Multi-tasking used to be my friend. I lost it for awhile. Then it came back. But now we are on different pages. I can't keep up with my old pal. I feel like a failure. While my "multi-tasking" friend just glares at me like I'm Elle Woods showing up to a party in a playboy bunny costume. When everyone else is rocking it at adulting.
The list is never ending:
Feed children, work out or don't work out? How do you work out with kids. Call someone for adult conversation ends up taking up most of the morning. Shower? Is their time to wash my hair before kids start banging on the door? Doesn't matter they are banging on the door anyway. If I wash my hair I have to dry it? Do I have the energy? Not today! Come up with activities for kids to do? Let them watch tv all day? Cranky toddler, other kid making it worse. Do I have the energy to take them out of the house and deal with them in public? Do we leave the house and mess with nap time? Cross fingers he doesn't fall asleep in the car. "Mommy can I have this? Mommy can we do this? Mommy can I run around and touch all the perfume bottles that cost $70? Mommy can I have a cookie?" Oops said cookie in front of your brother. Toddler proceeds to have a temper tantrum in stroller looks more like a seizure or an exorcism. Why did we mess with naptime? Have to get back home fast so he can take a nap before its too late to take a nap. Gotta get work done on the computer. Editing photos, blogging, monthly budgets, plan summer vacation. Not to mention prepare for my auditions that are in 11 days. But I'm so stressed and tired my brain can't function. Clean dishes and kitchen before husband gets home. I have no energy if I do the toddler will try to help and pick up everything fragile. Must have my Spidey-Mom reflexes turned on. Get on the computer before the husband comes home and needs it for homework. Get up every five seconds because the toddler keeps getting into the fridge. No you can not eat an entire block of cheese. No you can not eat an entire package of turkey sausage. Stop pulling out every drawer and opening every cabinet. It's too late! The husband is on his way back home and I have to clean. Or make it look like I cleaned.
Dinner? What do we eat? I don't feel like cooking. I'd rather eat a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Bath times, bed times. Attempt to do the social media work I didn't get to today. "Put your phone down and be with me." "But I'm multi-tasking". Forget it! I give up. Push it to tomorrow. Ok now I get to sleep. Maybe tonight the toddler will sleep all night. 12:30am the other one comes into my room to use my bathroom instead of hers. 4:30am toddler wakes up. Here we go again!
This was supposed to be encouraging not complaining. Here is my encouragement. When I say this I am mainly telling myself. You are good enough! The devil is always looking for a way to whisper discouragement and doubt in your ear. To twist your thoughts and feelings and use them against you. Don't let him! You are the boss! Stop with the pressure. No one is perfect stop trying to be. Make a small list of things to do per day and only do those things. Enjoy the free time. Set aside a couple hours to have by yourself a week. Whether its a massage, go to the bookstore, take a bubble bath. Just be by yourself to decompress. To calm your mind and breathe. For tomorrow will worry about itself.
I think I'm going to take my own advice and go take a bubble bath. Have a great weekend!
