Words cannot describe! The huge ordeal that I go through just to sing one 3 minute song. It's kind of ridiculous. If you read the previous post about all that I do before a performance, you would see it seems kind of normal. I left out the excruciating part about my anxiety. Ever since I can remember I've dealt with the stage fright of course. Like any normal performer, I guess. But ever since 2009 I believe, my anxiety has amplified tremendously. Before it would just be butterflies in my stomach, get a little shaky and what not. Now it's a burning in my chest, and my stomach. And I will literally sit in front of the mirror giving myself a pep talk.
"You can do this! You've done it a million times before! You got this, just go out there and be yourself"
I say it over and over and over again, and then I pray.
Not only that but I was driving to Cambridge which is pretty much Boston. By myself nonetheless, no husband to chauffeur me around.
I ended up being pushed to the bottom of the list. So I was close to the last one to perform. I felt comfortable by then. It was a good crowd, a very encouraging crowd. So I went up there and did it, and I remembered everything words, cues, etc.
Everyone did original music, covers, and spoken word {poetry readings}. I love being around all this talent. Everyone encourages each other. All those times they talk about musicians feeling like outcasts in life. Until they go to an arts school, or find other talented people to be around. They weren't lying. You really do feel like you are at home, like you belong! :)
I did hear rumors about doing this open mic night once a month. So feel free to join us next time at the Ryles Jazz Club in Cambridge, Ma!
Tonight is the night dreams come true. Well maybe not exactly, but I am getting my feet wet. Tonight I am doing my first ever open mic night. I can't believe how quickly this whole thing even happened. I got introduced to some people and they put together this open mic night. We found a cover to do and practiced twice! ....And now here we are, the day has finally come!
I would be lying if I didn't say I wasn't nervous. But the husband says a little nerves is good, it keeps you humble! It's not my first time singing in public. I've been doing this for years! But years in between too. The last time I actually sung with a band was about 8 whole years ago {pictures below} I was 18 and wrote a song with these guys called "Craving Addiction" they invited me to play this show with them back in California.
So if you know me at all you know my routine.
Listen to song about 80 million times in a row.
Drink twice that many cups of tea
Don't talk
As showtime gets closer listen to fast, upbeat songs to get pumped up
If I have time watch some Selena to get in the performing mood
and last but not least, pray to God I don't screw up, or mess up the words.
I am hoping to get some video and lots of pictures tonight to share with all of you!
And If you are in the area come see me, support me, cheer me on at
This is what I was up to this weekend. Had a nice get together with Mike and his wife for lunch at their place. We were finally able to get some music worked out. It's like no time has passed! Five years doesn't really like five years! We started working on this little clip of guitar I did. I can't play but I tried and was surprised at what came out. He worked it out on guitar then on the keyboards, as I worked out the melody. I'm always writing down lyrics in my phone on the go. So I looked through it and pulled up a song I wrote a couple months ago.
Working with Mike is so easy, relaxed and stress free. No fear of messing up or being judged. Just a peaceful, fun time working on some awesome music. It's not entirely done yet. We need to make adjustments, add a verse here and there. Then it will be done. Not bad for a 1 1/2 hours worth of work. I'm very happy we got to work together again!
In case you don't remember here's a link of the last time we worked together
Technology is pretty awesome. The things we can do on our own these days without relying on other people is fantastic. I've been able to work on some melodies for the past couple weeks. Then I record them into my phone and quickly email them to my music guy! (Mike in previous video) He gets them and starts working on them from his house since we can't get together in person. Then when he's done he can email them to me pending my approval. Since we can't get together in person at the moment. I was so discouraged last blog post. However, things are starting to look up now. I also pulled out my guitar which I've had since I was sixteen and still don't know how to play. It's sad I know ten years and it just sits there, such a shame! That is next on my bucket list believe you...me!! So the only chords I know how to play and I don't even know which ones they are. I just started messing around with it and then opened up my garageband on my computer and recorded it so I wouldn't forget ( of course!) Randomly added a quick verse and VOILA! It's magic! I'm really starting to have more confidence in my minor skills. Even playing it for the husband and the parents over skype. (Another wonderful technological invention.) Now to email that over to Mike and we got the beginnings of at least 3-4 songs besides the few that we already have!
The demo I have been trying to get done over the past year has been for this one producer. Who is a friend of a friend who's friends with my parents. The opportunity just dropped in my lap without me looking for it. It only came up because my dad was bragging about me singing on a mission trip over lunch. Now this producer guy has been hired at the place my dad works for so he's even easier to get to. That's pretty awesome too! I'm not sure where this might lead, but I'm totally up for it!
Voice lessons have been hard still. I can't wait to start longer lessons, than those 30-min lessons I've been doing. The song we've been working on is "Stars" by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Who I am absolutely in love with right now. I'm totally planning on going to see their show for my birthday.
I was hoping to upload a video of me singing it, but it's not ready yet so hopefully next week. My coach says I need to work on being too loud or I will damage my voice. HA! I've just learn to come out of my shell and be loud and what not. Now I gotta rein it back in? Good luck Ashley .. good luck. I need to be louder in my head voice then in my chest voice. Otherwise my voice won't last, maybe for a few years but will be done for in the long run. So word of advice to any young singers out there or older whichever. Take care of your voice, or it will be gone for good. Also I highly recommend to get into voice lessons while you are younger because it is really hard to get rid of your bad habits.
As of late I have been throwing myself into music. Everything and
anything I can absolutely do to focus on it. Sometimes when you need to
seriously focus on something important; you need to be consumed by it.
That is the plan, I've been searching through music to get inspiration.
I've been writing non-stop. I feel like I have soooo much in my head that I need to say that my brain will explode if I don't get it out on paper. I mean there's only so much room in there between wifey responsibilities, mommy responsibilities, etc. Half the time I can't get the brain to just shut off! So writing is very verrrrry important! This weekend I ventured down to the basement to go through stuff to donate for hurricane sandy relief. I found this little gem! My book of song lyrics from high school! I made this binder in 2003 I believe, but I had songs and poems in there dated as far back as 1998! I know there were older ones than that they just weren't dated. Sometimes I can't decide to laugh or be impressed with myself that I've been writing songs since I was maybe 7 or 8. I mean they were all cheesy little love songs,{I was maybe a little boy crazy back in the day} but what little girl at that age writes songs and poems. {LOL...I'm laughing at myself now}
Now for the frustrating aspect. This is a really slow process. Yes I am doing voice lessons, but as of right now I can only do it twice a week for 30 min. I have a lot to learn with technique. It would've been easier to do when I was younger. When you are an adult you are already set in your ways. So I have to forget everything I know now to learn new ways. I don't really have musicians at my disposal to write with unfortunately. My goal was to get a demo done...just something. So I am at a standstill. I am horrible at being patient. Especially since I've been patient for so many years on this. That is the most frustrating part of this journey ...so far.
On the plus side I have been exploring more on coming up with melodies myself. Nice to have an phone where I can just record little voice memos for myself to email to people and save for reference. So until we meet again on a Monday, hopefully I will have something more to update you on.
Introducing a new part of the blog. {MUSIC MONDAY} Music is my first love, passion..etc
Ever since I was a little girl I've always known what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a singer.
At a young age, as long as I can even remember I've been writing lyrics, making up songs {sometimes very cheesy songs} Unfortunately, lack of confidence or courage has definitely put a damper on those plans. As well as really bad luck/timing working with other musicians. I've been driven but I've kept it well hidden. I have actually sang in public before but it has been far and in between.
Stage fright has always been a friend of mine. We've become very, very close over the years. After a lot of hard work, the time has come to say goodbye to those irrational fears. I knew moving to a new place, meant a fresh start. So here's to continuing on with this dream and set aside any of those things that have held me back. You should never let those little {sometimes big} excuses get in the way of your dreams. No matter what they are! As a mom now I don't want my daughter to be held back like that. My hope is to blog my journey to wherever it leads. The work that goes into it, behind the scenes, my inspirations, the triumphs, fails and of course finished products.
To start off this whole new journey, I have been in voice lessons for about a month now.
I've never really had an actual formal lesson besides choir in high school. I have been retraining my brain and my body to do all these techniques, breathing, stance, stamina. You have to use your whole body and it's hard! Whoever said vocalists weren't really musicians or that it wasn't really hard work. They were absolutely wrong! I will just be glad when it actually starts to stick in my brain.
This is one of my songs that I wrote with my friend Mike about 4 1/2 years ago {WOW time goes by really fast! especially when you're old..like me!} titled "Into the Unknown" I wrote the lyrics on the road driving from Virginia to California. It was about five months after suffering a loss. It's mainly about life and moving on. The words just kind of spilled out of me onto the paper. The music was actually a little piece I have messed around with on the piano since I was little. I gave it to Mike and he ran with it. Funny how things come full circle like that, which makes me very proud of this piece! This video was made just for reference for me. I have a tendency to forget it unless I repeat it over and over in my head. I had just plopped the {new} camera at the time on top of the piano. That's why it's a bit loud and I was a little sick at the time. Forgive me! But I will add the lyrics so you can try to follow along with me. Don't steal them either! lol
Farther from the truth I've found myself
But I'm as close as I can come
Reaching for something I can't yet grasp
Holding onto something with both hands
Into the unknown
I'll take my steps through tomorrow
Not looking to yesterday
Leaving what will behind, this is all I have
Into the unknown
I've fallen and I've stood
I've failed and I've won
I believe in things you cannot see
I've hurt and I've loved
I've lived and I've lost
I am what you will never be
I'll take my steps through tomorrow
Not looking to yesterday
Leaving what will behind, this is all I have
I've fallen and I've stood
I've failed and I've won
I believe in things you cannot see
I've hurt and I've loved
I've lived and I've lost I am what you will never be
