A Walk to Remember

Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. In fact the whole month is about raising awareness about such a difficult topic. It happens a lot more than you think and there's not really an open dialogue about it. Our family has been dealing with it for 12 years now and it's still the same thing. People don't know what to say, how to act, or what to do. They don't know how to be there for their friends or family who have lost a child. Even if you have lost a child whether its from miscarriage, stillbirth or in our case a child who was only 45 minutes old. You may not know how to navigate through your own feelings. They can chance day to day, hour by hour. My advice about it is allow yourself to feel however you are going to feel. There is no right way to grieve. You can't do what everyone else expects of you or even try to please other people through this time. You can only honor your child the best way you know how. For myself I was blessed to find a great support group about 2 years after my son had died that really helped me sort out my own feelings. 

There's also some great events to memorialize your loved ones. I was so glad to come across one in Pooler once a year. Memorial Health puts on a A Walk to Remember every year at Tom Triplett Park. There's a time where people can share and they have hearts set up that you can write your childs name on and tack it to their wall then you take a walk around the lake at sunset and it's just beautiful. 

This years walk to remember will be held at:

100 Tom Triplett Road, Pooler Ga 31322

October 19th at 6:30pm 

 

Grief is a funny thing.

Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Grief is a funny thing. You can think that you are doing just fine. Choose to ignore any reminders, or maybe your whole mind and heart just goes numb for awhile. No matter how much time has passed it will always effect you. There will always be lingering feelings of pain, loss, emptiness. There's a fog that rolls in and settles right in the middle of your day, week, month or year. 

Usually it's the whole month of July for me. This time it started Wednesday {7/3} night. I started having anxiety before falling asleep. I just started to dread the day. The next day was just a sad day, just on the verge of tears all day. We went to the store to pick out his presents to send back home to put on his grave. {It kills me that I can't do it myself} But I couldn't very well sit there and start bawling in Target, so I kept it in. We did our holiday stuff, went and saw fireworks etc. 

I always get irritable, moody. Everything and everyone annoys me. I end up going M.I.A for awhile so that it's better for everyone. So we seclude ourselves from the world for a short time. I had the brilliant idea of jam packing our weekend with stuff to do. After all the hubs just came back from school a couple weeks ago and we've barely had time together. So we did fireworks, carnival, drive-in. I decided to do something different this year and do something fun that he would've wanted to do. So we went to an indoor waterpark. We did have fun. Riley really had fun. I had to fight through it the whole time. I was completely drained. 

Now here we are here the day has finally come.  His 6th birthday. I'm still feeling the fog and being anti-social. But now I am trying to distract myself with projects. Cleaning, organizing, window shopping, tv, movies.. anything.. Give me any kind of distractions!
 

....and that is why grief is a funny thing. It controls you without you even realizing it. Grief is the boss, I just work here. Sad.

I found these to help:

I am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you. I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God.  Psalm 38:8-9,15


The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.   Psalm 34:18


Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh.  Luke 6:21


…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning.  Psalm 30:5


“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you,” says the Lord.  Isaiah 66:13


I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not forsake them.  Isaiah 42:16

You can find more here 
    

 

{Mother's Day}

Elijah Andrew

July 9th 2007-July 9th 2007

  

Riley Noelle 

January 1st 2009

 

 

July 2010

July 2011

March 2012

Feb-March 2013

May 2013

This feels like the very first Mother's day where I'm not in a mood.
When you lose someone it's strange how it can create a negative cloud around you for certain times. Without even trying, it just  happens. You're in a bad mood unintentionally. Then you look at the calender and it's almost their birthday. It's almost the anniversary of their death. In my case this time it's Mother's day the first reminder of the year that I don't have both my babies.

With the hubby gone I didn't get the normal breakfast and all that but that was fine. Riley did a really good job on her own! She woke me up too early but it was okay she came in my room and snuggled with me. We lay there and talked about Elijah and what it would be like if he was here too. We made a space on the bed for him so he could be there in spirit. Today I felt like I had both my babies with me. It was peaceful and serene and I just smiled. She was quiet and let me fall back asleep for an hour and we finally got up for breakfast after ten, with no complaints from her. We made pancakes together and got ready for church.

I am in no way, shape or form over the loss. You never "get over it" and I don't like to say "move on" either. Neither phrase feels right. I feel like our family is still here, we keep him here. We talk about him, we think about him. Riley dreams about the two of them playing and talking. He's still very present in our lives and in our family and that will never change.

So no matter if you have all your children, or your babies are in heaven. If they don't have a name or they do. You're still a mommy, a beautiful mommy and today is your day too!

For those who have lost their moms. I don't know what that feels like, my heart goes out to you, and my prayers.

Happy Mother's day to all the beautiful, hardworking, supportive, sensitive mommy's out there. Your babies are a precious gift given to you by God! Treasure them forever!

On a personal note

I don't really believe in keeping feelings to yourself. I like to be honest no matter how much it hurts. If we are not honest, especially with ourselves how can we be normal, or human. I want to help others, even if I'm not so sure all the time how to handle it myself.

October is Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month. Making it a bittersweet month for our family.
This July we celebrated what would've been our sons 5th birthday.
Since it was such a huge birthday; we went down to the beach. We took a glass heart shaped bottle with little messages from each of us and threw it in the water. No matter how many years go by it's still a hard painful thing. As a mommy I feel I need to do everything I can to preserve the memory of our sweet baby. We talk about him constantly. Little Miss knows all about her big brother in heaven, and talks about him all the time. She tells all her friends and strangers about him. As sad as it is, it makes me happy to keep him present in our lives, in our home etc as much as possible.

I was reminded this morning of the story of Elijah in the bible. I don't think I ever really read much about him growing up. Basically Elijah was a man in need of comfort, exhausted and depressed. God came through and provided that much needed comfort for him.

It makes me wonder if it was always meant to be that I name my baby Elijah. That it all came together somehow. Elijah, God, Comfort. It all ties together....maybe it's just me. It's taken quite a long time to get here. It's a struggle every day, some days are harder than others. No one ever said it would be easy. I have gone through many different feelings and emotions. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We do move forward but we never forget. NEVER EVER FORGET!


 {Quote}

“I was there when your heart beat for the very first time....and for the very last. We will always share a special bond, my heavenly child and I, that absence or time can never undermine". ~ Lori Spray-Esteve

{Verse from this morning} 

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 
"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble. we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us.   

 {Bible Verse on Elijah's headstone}

2 Kings 2:11
And it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.

Elijah Andrew Reed July 9th 2007

How we honor his memory

Both babies initials put together

P.S Please don't be afraid to comment on this post. Also if you need someone to talk to about losing a child you can email me @ A_Reedphotography@yahoo.com