Today is pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. In fact the whole month is about raising awareness about such a difficult topic. It happens a lot more than you think and there's not really an open dialogue about it. Our family has been dealing with it for 12 years now and it's still the same thing. People don't know what to say, how to act, or what to do. They don't know how to be there for their friends or family who have lost a child. Even if you have lost a child whether its from miscarriage, stillbirth or in our case a child who was only 45 minutes old. You may not know how to navigate through your own feelings. They can chance day to day, hour by hour. My advice about it is allow yourself to feel however you are going to feel. There is no right way to grieve. You can't do what everyone else expects of you or even try to please other people through this time. You can only honor your child the best way you know how. For myself I was blessed to find a great support group about 2 years after my son had died that really helped me sort out my own feelings.
There's also some great events to memorialize your loved ones. I was so glad to come across one in Pooler once a year. Memorial Health puts on a A Walk to Remember every year at Tom Triplett Park. There's a time where people can share and they have hearts set up that you can write your childs name on and tack it to their wall then you take a walk around the lake at sunset and it's just beautiful.
Today marks one year since my dad suddenly passed away.
I thought I would share this story for the anniversary.
I just recently went to Nashville with my friend to celebrate her upcoming birthday.
One of the tours we went on was the RCA studio b tour. If you are a music lover this is an awesome tour. I grew up in a radio family so this was right up my alley. We heard some cool behind the scenes stories of Dolly Parton, The Everly brothers etc. I was getting a little emotional already because it was something my dad would've liked. I almost felt him beside me telling me interesting facts that the tour guide probably didn't even know.
The tour guide took us back to the recording studio and started telling us stories of Elvis Presley. One interesting thing was how he liked the lighting while he recorded. He liked to feel the music. So while recording "Are you lonesome tonight" it was pitch black {picture above}.
While the lights were still off he started to talk about his love of gospel music. Elvis loved to rehearse with gospel music. He was nominated for 18 Grammys but only won three Grammys all for his gospel records. The tour guide then proceeded to play us one of the records. I felt the moment before it happened. Something was coming.
"How great thou art" started blaring from the overhead speakers. I completely lost it at the point. In the dark with a bunch of strangers.
Some of you may not know. How great thou art was my dads favorite gospel song. In the hospital when we had to shut the machines off that we're keeping him alive. We all gathered around his bed and sang that song one last time for him.
I couldn't believe out of all of the songs they played that one and right in time for the one year anniversary. It was an incredible and emotional moment during my trip that I will never forget.
I haven't said much on the subject publicly. Every time I try to the words don't come out.
My dad died six months ago of a massive stroke..... Six months! That's half of a year.
You think after losing a child I would be expert on grief. That is not the case. In fact it's the complete opposite. I find myself having brand new eyes on this entirely new life. A life without my dad. When someone dies it's like everything starts over. You wander around aimlessly with no place to go it seems. Like a lost child. It's like I've never dealt with a traumatic loss ever in my life. I'm not doing any of the same things I have done before. I can't even count on that. It's like I've been betrayed by my own mind, my own heart.
I never know what to say, how to feel or even what to do. I just go on auto-pilot for my own sanity and probably my family's sake. I don't have the luxury this time around to just lay in bed all day and hit this grieving process head on. I have responsibilities now, kids, husband, and house to keep me going.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was like any other day. It was the end of the day for us already. I was randomly texting my mom something and she called me right away. She told me she came home to find my dad unconscious and was being rushed to the hospital. I immediately had the most terrifying deja vu. I had a dream about my dad collapsing a few months back maybe a year or so. But it immediately flashed before my eyes again. I wanted to hope. I needed to desperately hope but deep down I knew. I couldn't say it out loud afraid that would make it true.
I called my brother and sister so my mom could focus on getting to the hospital.
I called my husband.
I went into auto-pilot. Trying to do things and wait. To be distracted and I don't even know.
I knew I had to pack to get out there. I ended up throwing clothes around the room. I tried to look up flights but couldn't think straight.
I picked up my husband from work and was completely out of it. As soon as we came in the house my sister called.
"He's not going to make it." It echos in my head every day.
I collapsed on the floor. I can't even describe the out of body experience that happens when you hear that news. I was crying and on the floor. My body reacted before I could even grasp it. My mind split into two. The conscious part who was present and understanding what was happening. The other part screaming inside refusing to believe that any of this was happening. Not my dad! It's a mistake. Just put him on the phone and he can tell me he's fine. It's a cruel joke! To this day my mind is still split into two.
I couldn't sleep at all and we chose to not tell Riley yet. I had to avoid her altogether. Even though she was making get well cards for my dad. Every single second my heart was breaking into millions of pieces. All I could do was wonder how did we get here!!!???
We flew out as fast as we could. Which isn't very fast when you are going from Hawaii to Virginia. Might as well been in another country. We had to tell Riley in the burger king at the airport. I couldn't hold it in any longer. I didn't want to be in a rush to break her heart. But I didn't want her getting to the hospital expecting something different. It instantly felt like a movie and I wasn't living life. I had a role to play. The youngest daughter finally arrives into town. Where everyone else is waiting in the hospital room to say goodbye. Another cruel joke going to a hospital room to say goodbye and turn the machines off. You sit with them say goodbye but they can't hear you. Hold their hand but they can't squeeze it back. Begging God to just let them open their eyes and smile and say I'm okay. But the world doesn't work like that. Tragedy happens to everyone at one point or another. My dad was a missionary in the last 16 years of his life. And we all had to just accept that his work was done. My dad's story was done. That was it ...The End.
We all stood around his bed. We said a prayer thanking God for the time we had with him.
We sang How great thou Art ...his favorite song and said goodbye. Watched them turn off the machines and that was it.
I don't pretend to have this all figured out. I have no idea how I'm going to feel day to day. Some days I'm too depressed to get off the couch. And of course I have questioned my beliefs, my life...everything. I think grief is different for each different person you lose. Because every person is a unique and perfect creation from God. You can't expect to feel the same things for every person you lose.
I'm sure this won't be the last time I say something on the subject. I just wanted to hopefully help someone to know they aren't alone in their grief.
The best thing you can do for someone going through grief is so simple. A hug, holding a hand, listen, be patient. Grief is such a long process and we all deal with it differently.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to
prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Grief is a funny thing. You can think that you are doing just fine. Choose to ignore any reminders, or maybe your whole mind and heart just goes numb for awhile. No matter how much time has passed it will always effect you. There will always be lingering feelings of pain, loss, emptiness. There's a fog that rolls in and settles right in the middle of your day, week, month or year.
Usually it's the whole month of July for me. This time it started Wednesday {7/3} night. I started having anxiety before falling asleep. I just started to dread the day. The next day was just a sad day, just on the verge of tears all day. We went to the store to pick out his presents to send back home to put on his grave. {It kills me that I can't do it myself} But I couldn't very well sit there and start bawling in Target, so I kept it in. We did our holiday stuff, went and saw fireworks etc.
I always get irritable, moody. Everything and everyone annoys me. I end up going M.I.A for awhile so that it's better for everyone. So we seclude ourselves from the world for a short time. I had the brilliant idea of jam packing our weekend with stuff to do. After all the hubs just came back from school a couple weeks ago and we've barely had time together. So we did fireworks, carnival, drive-in. I decided to do something different this year and do something fun that he would've wanted to do. So we went to an indoor waterpark. We did have fun. Riley really had fun. I had to fight through it the whole time. I was completely drained.
Now here we are here the day has finally come. His 6th birthday. I'm still feeling the fog and being anti-social. But now I am trying to distract myself with projects. Cleaning, organizing, window shopping, tv, movies.. anything.. Give me any kind of distractions!
....and that is why grief is a funny thing. It controls you without you even realizing it. Grief is the boss, I just work here. Sad.
I found these to help:
I
am feeble and utterly crushed; I groan in anguish of heart. All my
longings lie open before you, O Lord; my sighing is not hidden from you.
I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God. Psalm 38:8-9,15
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18
Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. Luke 6:21
…weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
“As a mother comforts her child, so will I comfort you,” says the Lord. Isaiah 66:13
I
will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths
I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and
make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do; I will not
forsake them. Isaiah 42:16
This feels like the very first Mother's day where I'm not in a mood.
When you lose someone it's strange how it can create a negative cloud around you for certain times. Without even trying, it just happens. You're in a bad mood unintentionally. Then you look at the calender and it's almost their birthday. It's almost the anniversary of their death. In my case this time it's Mother's day the first reminder of the year that I don't have both my babies.
With the hubby gone I didn't get the normal breakfast and all that but that was fine. Riley did a really good job on her own! She woke me up too early but it was okay she came in my room and snuggled with me. We lay there and talked about Elijah and what it would be like if he was here too. We made a space on the bed for him so he could be there in spirit. Today I felt like I had both my babies with me. It was peaceful and serene and I just smiled. She was quiet and let me fall back asleep for an hour and we finally got up for breakfast after ten, with no complaints from her. We made pancakes together and got ready for church.
I am in no way, shape or form over the loss. You never "get over it" and I don't like to say "move on" either. Neither phrase feels right. I feel like our family is still here, we keep him here. We talk about him, we think about him. Riley dreams about the two of them playing and talking. He's still very present in our lives and in our family and that will never change.
So no matter if you have all your children, or your babies are in heaven. If they don't have a name or they do. You're still a mommy, a beautiful mommy and today is your day too!
For those who have lost their moms. I don't know what that feels like, my heart goes out to you, and my prayers.
Happy Mother's day to all the beautiful, hardworking, supportive, sensitive mommy's out there. Your babies are a precious gift given to you by God! Treasure them forever!
Introducing a new part of the blog. {MUSIC MONDAY} Music is my first love, passion..etc
Ever since I was a little girl I've always known what I wanted to do. I've always wanted to be a singer.
At a young age, as long as I can even remember I've been writing lyrics, making up songs {sometimes very cheesy songs} Unfortunately, lack of confidence or courage has definitely put a damper on those plans. As well as really bad luck/timing working with other musicians. I've been driven but I've kept it well hidden. I have actually sang in public before but it has been far and in between.
Stage fright has always been a friend of mine. We've become very, very close over the years. After a lot of hard work, the time has come to say goodbye to those irrational fears. I knew moving to a new place, meant a fresh start. So here's to continuing on with this dream and set aside any of those things that have held me back. You should never let those little {sometimes big} excuses get in the way of your dreams. No matter what they are! As a mom now I don't want my daughter to be held back like that. My hope is to blog my journey to wherever it leads. The work that goes into it, behind the scenes, my inspirations, the triumphs, fails and of course finished products.
To start off this whole new journey, I have been in voice lessons for about a month now.
I've never really had an actual formal lesson besides choir in high school. I have been retraining my brain and my body to do all these techniques, breathing, stance, stamina. You have to use your whole body and it's hard! Whoever said vocalists weren't really musicians or that it wasn't really hard work. They were absolutely wrong! I will just be glad when it actually starts to stick in my brain.
This is one of my songs that I wrote with my friend Mike about 4 1/2 years ago {WOW time goes by really fast! especially when you're old..like me!} titled "Into the Unknown" I wrote the lyrics on the road driving from Virginia to California. It was about five months after suffering a loss. It's mainly about life and moving on. The words just kind of spilled out of me onto the paper. The music was actually a little piece I have messed around with on the piano since I was little. I gave it to Mike and he ran with it. Funny how things come full circle like that, which makes me very proud of this piece! This video was made just for reference for me. I have a tendency to forget it unless I repeat it over and over in my head. I had just plopped the {new} camera at the time on top of the piano. That's why it's a bit loud and I was a little sick at the time. Forgive me! But I will add the lyrics so you can try to follow along with me. Don't steal them either! lol
Farther from the truth I've found myself
But I'm as close as I can come
Reaching for something I can't yet grasp
Holding onto something with both hands
Into the unknown
I'll take my steps through tomorrow
Not looking to yesterday
Leaving what will behind, this is all I have
Into the unknown
I've fallen and I've stood
I've failed and I've won
I believe in things you cannot see
I've hurt and I've loved
I've lived and I've lost
I am what you will never be
I'll take my steps through tomorrow
Not looking to yesterday
Leaving what will behind, this is all I have
I've fallen and I've stood
I've failed and I've won
I believe in things you cannot see
I've hurt and I've loved
I've lived and I've lost I am what you will never be
I don't really believe in keeping feelings to yourself. I like to be
honest no matter how much it hurts. If we are not honest, especially
with ourselves how can we be normal, or human. I want to help others,
even if I'm not so sure all the time how to handle it myself.
October is Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month. Making it a bittersweet month for our family.
This July we celebrated what would've been our sons 5th birthday.
Since it was such a huge birthday; we went down to the beach. We took a glass heart shaped bottle with little messages from each of us and threw it in the water. No matter how many years go by it's still a hard painful thing. As a mommy I feel I need to do everything I can to preserve the memory of our sweet baby. We talk about him constantly. Little Miss knows all about her big brother in heaven, and talks about him all the time. She tells all her friends and strangers about him. As sad as it is, it makes me happy to keep him present in our lives, in our home etc as much as possible.
I was reminded this morning of the story of Elijah in the bible. I don't think I ever really read much about him growing up. Basically Elijah was a man in need of comfort, exhausted and depressed. God came through and provided that much needed comfort for him.
It makes me wonder if it was always meant to be that I name my baby Elijah. That it all came together somehow. Elijah, God, Comfort. It all ties together....maybe it's just me. It's taken quite a long time to get here. It's a struggle every day, some days are harder than others. No one ever said it would be easy. I have gone through many different feelings and emotions. However, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. We do move forward but we never forget. NEVER EVER FORGET!
{Quote}
“I was there when your heart beat for the very
first time....and for the very last. We will always share a special
bond, my heavenly child and I, that absence or time can never
undermine". ~ Lori Spray-Esteve
{Verse from this morning} 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 "Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is the Father who is full of mercy and all comfort. He comforts us every time we have trouble, so when others have trouble. we can comfort them with the same comfort God gives us. {Bible Verse on Elijah's headstone} 2 Kings 2:11
And
it came to pass, as they still went on, and talked, that, behold, there
appeared a chariot of fire, and horses of fire, and parted them both
asunder; and Elijah went up by a whirlwind into heaven.
Elijah Andrew Reed July 9th 2007
How we honor his memory
Both babies initials put together
P.S Please don't be afraid to comment on this post. Also if you need someone to talk to about losing a child you can email me @ A_Reedphotography@yahoo.com
